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"Good evening, and welcome to the grand final of Stars in Their Eyes UK, and what a tremendous line up of contenders we have for you on tonight's show. So without further ado, let's get on with the show....contestant number 1 is Miss Juliet Baldifani, from Romford in Essex. She works by day as a seamstress in a New Delhi sweat shop, which is owned and run by her Italian-born parents, Guiseppe and Felicia Baldifani, but our Juliet aspires to something more worthwhile as a full time career. Good evening, Juliet, so would you like to tell the audience what kind of performance you will be offering to the viewers tonight ?" ...."Oh hello, Matthew, thanks for letting me appear on the show. Can I just say hello on the telly to my mum and dad and all the lads down at the football supporters club ?"...."Sure you can, Juliet, but get on with it sweetie, we've got another 17 contestants waiting to do their thing"...."Thanks Matthew. Hello mum, hello dad, hello to all the ladsat the suppoters club, especially Big John, Wee Frank and Medium-sized Eric...I'm pregnant but I'm not sure who's the dad so would you all mind clubbing in for the pram and other stuff ?".... "Errr, Juliet, I can understand why you want to quit as a seamstress. Bloody roasting hot this time of year in New Delhi, I should imagine, eh ?"...."Too right it is, Matthew, and commuting every day from London is a bit of a pain in the ass these days too. Effing expensive, so it is, and what with me being on typical sweat shop wages, it's time for a change"...."I take your point, Juliet. Specially since you've been throwing it about a bit lately. So, Juliet, what are you going to perform this evening, then?"....."Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be Little Richard. The boys down at the supporters club said I'm good at doing that. Got the pose and everything, so I have. So that's what I'm going to be doing tonight....errr....is this show actually live on the telly, Matthew?"....."Yes it is Juliet....But doing Litt;le Richard, isn't that a bit preposterous, hon ? I mean, you've not got even the slightest hint of a tan...you're an ambitious girl, for sure!"...."Tan ? Wot tan are you on about Matthew ? Who needs a tan when I can play 'Chopsticks' on the piano ?"....."Errrr, Juliet...I hate to say this to you, being as you'r eblonde and stuff, but Little Richard didn't ever record 'Chopsticks', and I don't think he even played it live at any concerts"...."That's a moot pont, Matthew....he didn't have an ass like mine either, did he ?"......Wop-bop-a-loo-lah !! :)