25276076

Reuters....34th Septober 19Oatcake....European news round up......"Today, in another highly controversial, deeply unpopular, completely pointless exercise in enforcing silly regulations on an increasingly bullied European population, the Brussels-based European Commission for Standardisation of Just About Everything, unveiled its latest tranche of Reulations. At a press conference being held in the EU headquarters Media Suite, the EU Commissioner's spokesman read a lengthy statement to the gathered Press and TV media reporters....."Vee haf today decided to introduce a much-needed-by-us-cus-nobody-else-likes-us piece of important EU Regulation on ze Standardisation of Vegetable Size und Shape. Zis has been necessary in order to make us feel very important und also to bring even more vegetables into alignment with previous Legislation, namely EU Directive 1996754321 / 2019 / Section 8C-15 / Subsection something or other / Paragraph 3h - Guidance for Prducers and Consumers....Vee haf been informed zat zer are a number of Non-Compliant products zat are entering ze market vich do not meet our pointlessly precise standards und vich vee are determined to stamp out. Vee haf very clearly set out in zis new Legislation, zat all vegetables shall be produced, transported und consumed in ze prescribed Uniform manner, und all necessary licences und documentation vill be required to be submitted for scrutiny und revalidation. Vee haf concentrated our efforts in particular on ze rogue cucumbers at much EU taxpayer expense because vee vouldnt even think about making zis Legislation if vee had to pay for it ourselves. All cucmbers, whether processed, unprocessed or Organic must be straight as ze fuck, haf ze maximum weight of 500 grams und haf maximum dimension 15 cm in length und 2 cm in ze width. To improve detectability, from 31 st December 2019 all ze cucmbers must not be Green. Vee haf decided zat zey will be produced, transported, stored und consumed only in ze bright Red colours. No prisoners vill be taken in enforcing zis Regulation und vee give notice zat any Company, Organisation, Firm, Charitable Organisation, Church Group or Individual found by zee EU Nazis....sorry, I mean Police...vill be taken und shot until very dead or vorse still, be forced to eat a minimum of 2 boxes of ze disgusting Belgian chocolate zat vee make in zee ridiculous sea-horse und clam shapes. Zis Legislation is final and irevocable, by order of ze power not invested in us by ze stupid European taxpayers because vee know better zan ze great unvashed. Ze Right of Appeal has also been abolished under zis Legislation. End of Statement, on behalf of und by order of ze European Commission. Und now, chentlemen und ladies of ze press, I vill take any questions you may haf about zis matter..."......"Excuse me, Mr. Belgian Twat wot nobody voted for, I'm Harry Bloggs, Foreign and Domestic Political reporter for the UK Press Association....I'd like to ask a few questions of I may" ......"Ja, Mr. Bloggs, but I vill chust avoid giving ze honest straight answer, as you disgusting Brit types say, so fire away"......."Where the fuck do you unelected Belgian bastards get off , dictating to the rest of Europe on anything ? What exactly did you lot do in the War anyways when you wasn't bending over to the Nazis ? And who the fuck likes your shite chocolate ? I mean, you lot didnt get anything other than 'Nil Points' in the bloody Eurovision Sing Contest and even Rowan Atkinson of Mr. Bean fame thought you lot sucked too !" ......"Zat is ze classified information under ze EU Law so you can go fuck yourself und your newspaper. Vee vill sue you in our very self-important EU Court if you say any more of zis lies about our very super country. Next question please..." ....."Doris Fah-Nee of the UK Womens Convention on Self Determination and Entertainment Provision....I'd like to ask a question or two"...."Ja, Mrs. Fah-Nee ? Zis is ze real name, is it ? Fery strange name for a British lady, is it not ?"...."My Dad was Vietnamese, so shut the fuck up you cheeky Belgian git...talk about my dad like that and I'll make you eat your hat...better still, make you eat your own fuckin' chocolate !.....Wot I'd like to know is what I'm supposed to do with a bloody 15 cm by 2 cm cucumber, eh ? Scrape my bloody nostrils clean or something ? I've got medals for putting decent sized cucmbers to good communal use you know....folks like me could be out of a bloody job if we let you bloody lil dictators away with ramming your bloody stupod legislation down our throats ! It's High Time we had Brexit and rammed it right up your Belgian asses ! Long Live Boris !! "....... Speechless Eurocrat slithers off somewhere with his tail between his legs, presumaby shiting his Belgian pants at the thought of eating that disgusting marine-life shaped Belgian chocolate, meantime , the packed Media Conference centre in EU Lah Lah Land erupts in frenzied chants of "Baw-Ris! Baw-Ris! Baw-Ris!!", a full blown Mexican Wave and much rejoiced singing generally praising the Vegetable-Consuming abilities of hitherto unheard-of UK lady, Mrs. Doris Pha-Nee ...... :)